I was frozen in my chair, trembling with fear.
The conference speaker had challenged us, “Stand up if you’re ready to surrender all to God!”
People all around me were standing up, but to me it felt like surrendering to suffering. I was experiencing a trauma trigger from childhood.
As a newborn baby I was not able to hold down food or be comforted. My mother did all she could to care for me and then found a doctor who gave me a life-saving surgery. But in those days a mother wasn’t allowed to stay with her baby in the hospital, so I was often left alone, crying in a cold, sterile room with no one to hold me.
That early trauma, along with being a feeler in a family of thinkers, left me judging and hating myself as “too sensitive and emotional.”
I fell into a dark night of spiritual depression. As a minister I had taught on God’s love for years, but now I was was doubting.
Stuck and desperate for help, I met with Jane Willard (wife of Dallas Willard) for healing prayer.
Jane asked about my developmental history and traced the roots of my depression to self-hatred, which went all the way back to that scene of feeling abandoned as an infant in the hospital.
Jane led me in prayer, including periods of quiet listening. At one point the Spirit showed me my infant self, isolated and shivering in a room with bright lights shining on me. I was crying and screaming in terror and couldn’t be held or comforted.
Then Jane asked me, “Can you see Jesus? Where is he? Ask him to help you see what he wants to do for you.”
We were silent together for a few minutes as I kept my mind open to the Spirit.
Suddenly, in my mind I saw Jesus come to hold me.
Instead of being neglected in a sterile hospital, I felt delighted in by my Lord as he looked into my eyes and comforted me!
I told Jane what I saw and she asked Jesus to help me see others who love me come into the room. I saw my mother, grandparents, and my husband Bill.
Then Jane offered, “I’d like you to see me there too. Joining in delighting in you.”
I was touched in my heart. I felt comforted and wanted. My self-hatred melted away. I felt God’s presence filling me with pure love!
Emotionally healing experiences of God’s grace reformat the hard drive of your embodied soul in divine health.
We all have areas where we’ve experienced painful emotions. Jesus wants to meet you in these and touch you with His healing grace.
Try these steps of faith:
- Share your hurt with a friend or guide
- Notice how the Spirit of Jesus comes to you
- Appreciate God’s grace through your friend
I hope my sharing will embolden you to be emotionally honest with Jesus so you can experience His delights in you and to receive His healing touch deep in your soul.
©️ Bill & Kristi Gaultiere, Journey of the Soul, Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2021. Used by permission.
Last Chance to Join Our Launch!
If you want to join our exclusive Journey of the Soul launch team you need to act now! It closes on January 14.
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Listen to this week’s SoulTalk: This week, hear Kristi’s behind-the-scenes story of writing Journey of the Soul. It’s one of sacrifice and surrender, which ultimately led her to embrace God’s invitation to write alongside Bill.