Many families and groups are built on unhealthy “triangles” of three-way relationships that harm people and create dysfunction. It’s a simple concept, that once we understand, we can use to love one another better. The theory of triangles helps explain why being part of a family (also a small group, staff team, or church community)…
In a conflict situation it’s easy to get entangled in what the other person is doing that upsets me. But that’s not helpful — it only adds to my anger or shame and makes things worse. When there’s tension in my relationship with Bill or someone else I take out The Communication Wheel. It’s simple…
Often in marriage or another relationship we think we have an intimacy problem when really it’s more about a boundary problem. Boundaries between people get blurred if either one tries to share their “feelings” by sharing their perceptions of the other person. This blurs boundaries and leads to conflict. Instead, if you share your personal…
Reconciling after a breach of relationship requires that you move toward the other with God’s love. This is true in all relationships, including if you were hurt by a parent, pastor, or other leader who should be the one to make the first move. My experience with repairing conflicts is that usually in retrospect both…
“I was forced to resign from my church.” 78% of pastors say this. Often these pastors leave their church hurt and angry, afraid their career and calling are ruined. Ken Baugh, former lead pastor of Coast Hills Community Church felt this way two years ago. (In last week’s email devotional I told his story: “Finding…
Empathy. Tender-hearted concern for our feelings. We all need it — especially when we’re hurting. But sometimes we lose touch with our heart’s need. “I was burned out and didn’t know it,” lead pastor Ken Baugh reflects. “I was so depleted of my own energy that I had just enough to get from weekend to…
Have you ever been bullied by a group? Or felt ganged up on? Maybe it wasn’t intended by them, but you felt abused? I have. So have some of the pastors and influencers we help. So has Jesus… Lord Jesus, I see you on your cross journey. A whole gang of soldiers is gathered around…
Setting boundaries is more than a psychological tool — it’s really a spiritual discipline that helps to establish further your self-identity in Christ.
Without a friend who feels our hurt, stress, and longings with us our souls shrivel up and die. Giving and receiving empathy are key to life in Christ.
At the beginning of our marriage Kristi and I were both working full time jobs and going to graduate schools in psychology. Obviously, we didn’t have a lot of free time to be together! But we were very much in love as you can see in this picture taken in 1985! When we did have…