Recently I came back from five days of solitude and silence at Saint Andrews Abbey in Valyermo. Five days?! That might seem like a very long time to you, but it’s the best way I know to cultivate my intimacy with Jesus.
I needed this time to reflect and pray about my life and to discern the Lord’s leading for the new TLC retreats that we’re offering to pastors and leaders/caregivers.
Each day on my private retreat I did a lot of journaling. Here’s how I began…
A Single Lane and a Single Eye
I used the two hour car ride to decompress and enter into the silence with Jesus. I had unplugged and now I needed to empty myself: work I didn’t finish, responsibilities I was leaving behind, tension from a difficult conversation with Kristi, things going on in our kids’ lives… In prayer I committed these things to God and rested in his All-Sufficiency. My sanctuary of solitude was beginning, even on a congested freeway.
After about an hour of silent prayer, except for a phone call to Kristi to make to make sure that our conflict was indeed resolved and we were warmly and lovingly united, I listened to my Bible readings from the Book of Common Prayer. In the Gospel reading from Mark 4 I was drawn to the words, “Pay attention to what you hear.” (Verse 24) I decided that God was giving me this verse as the theme for my retreat. So I read and re-read Mark 4:21-34.
As I got closer to the monastery traffic kept dissipating until I found myself alone on a single lane road winding through the high desert hills. My thoughts also were dissipating — I was centered simply on the Word of God to me: “Pay attention to what you hear.”
Driving on a single lane country road with a single eye on Jesus, I was right where I needed to be!
“Stay With Me in the Silence”
The first thing I did after getting settled in my room was to take a prayer walk. I always do this in my retreats. It’s a great way to, as Jesus said, “Pay attention to what you hear.”
I walked slowly around the duck pond. I listened to the birds singing and the stream of water flowing gently into the pond. There weren’t any other sounds — except the thoughts that God impressed into my mind now and again because I wasn’t walking alone, I was holding Jesus’ hand, talking with him about the simple, quiet beauty around me, offering my retreat to him, and talking to him about my ministry.
With a single eye on the Lord Jesus I sensed him say to me, “Stay with me in the silence. In silence I enliven your soul. In silence I grow your ministry.”
The thought of God growing our Soul Shepherding ministry brought me concern since I can’t keep up with it now as it is! I asked him how he wanted to grow my ministry and sensed that he wanted me to use more interns and volunteers.
If Ever I Forget the Thought of You…
Later In the Vespers service I prayed the evening Psalms with the monks. I was riveted by the antiphon that we repeated before and after chanting Psalm 136: “If I ever forget the thought of you, may my tongue cleave to my mouth.”
Oh, that I would pray those words with a sincere heart! Oh, that I would live with a single eye on Jesus, devoted completely to God through him. I’m sorry Lord that my heart gets distracted from you. Truly, I pray, “If ever I forget the thought of you, may my tongue cleave to my mouth.” Father, I adore you above all. Jesus, you are most precious to me. Holy Spirit I rely upon you alone. My Lord, I want to always be thinking of you with affection so that, whether I speak or I am silent, love for you pours forth. I pray in the name of the Father, Son, and Spirit. Amen.
