Many Christians I’ve talked with over the years, including pastors and other leaders, feel guilty if they say no to helping others or if they set any boundaries.
They prioritize their own needs over others and over-extend themselves, which makes them vulnerable to burnout.
Thankfully studying boundaries in the Bible, and especially how Jesus set boundaries, shows us how to love God and others from a healthy soul.
This article will help you:
- Get clear on boundaries and their importance
- Explore the question, “What does the Bible say about boundaries?”
- Learn from Jesus’ example of living with good boundaries
- Establish next steps to grow in loving and healthy boundaries
I pray for you to flourish in your life and work or ministry through learning the grace and power of Christlike boundaries.
This article is adapted from my book, Your Best Life in Jesus’ Easy Yoke: Rhythms of Grace to De-Stress and Live Empowered.
What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries?
Jesus and the Bible don’t often use the word “boundaries.” This makes it easy to miss how essential healthy limits are to thriving in apprenticeship to Jesus and serving others alongside him.
The language of “boundaries” comes mostly from modern psychology. But when you study the Bible carefully you’ll see that the concept is firmly rooted in Scripture. Boundaries were part of God’s design for people from the beginning.
Before we unpack biblical boundaries, let’s get a better understanding of what boundaries are.
The Definition of Boundaries
Personal boundaries are what define your identity.
They’re like the property lines around a home. They define what your property is and what your property is not. They help determine what is “you” — what you value, are good at, believe, need, feel — and what is not “you.”
Knowing who you really are and being loved as you really are provides security. It’s essential to all relationships and activities.
A healthy sense of self helps you choose when to say “no” instead of giving your “yes” to everything and everyone. In this way, boundaries bring freedom to walk with Jesus and partner with him in his easy yoke for you (Matthew 11:28-30).
Problems Setting Boundaries
In the early years of my ministry as a counselor and pastor, I thought it wasn’t nice to say “no.” It seemed selfish to withhold myself from people who were hurting and had serious needs. Many people relate to my story.
Tired care providers often have trouble saying “no” and avoid speaking the truth in love. They’re usually tender-hearted people who care about others and desire to help them.
Yet a lack of clear personal boundaries can lead them to rescue those they’re helping, only to enable selfish or irresponsible behavior without realizing it. They could become enmeshed with the people they care for — “losing themselves” as they walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting anyone.
These relational dynamics lead helpers to feel weighed down and walked over. They might struggle with anger, resentment, stress overload, or burnout as they lose track of their own needs, convictions, and calling. It becomes impossible for them to be so loving and caring all the time. Eventually they realize they’re not being their true God-created and God-redeemed self. Something needs to change.
Thankfully, I realized that my pressured and enmeshed approach to helping others was causing me to become anxious, depressed, and angry. I was not experiencing Jesus’ words, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” I was giving out of compulsion and emptiness rather than drawing from God’s abounding grace to become a cheerful giver (Acts 20:35; 2 Corinthians 9:7-8).
Your capacity to offer love and empathy to others will grow in proportion to your boundaries of self-awareness, self-care, and self-definition. Good boundaries help you care for others because they provide a stable foundation to operate from and keep you from being distracted or drained by personal insecurities or blind spots.
You can see it’s not selfish to care for yourself. Soul care with Jesus is one of the best ways to love God, embrace his love for you, and overflow with love for others (Matthew 22:37-40).
This is an especially important lesson for pastors, missionaries, and other care providers.
An Overview of Biblical Boundaries
It might surprise you to learn that God had boundaries. God says “yes” to some things and “no” to others. He does this for himself and for the care of people, animals, and all of creation.
In the beginning God rested from his work as Creator on the seventh day. He set a loving limit in the Garden of Eden to not eat from the tree of life. He gave clear commands for following him (Genesis 2:3; 16-17; Exodus 20:1-17).
All of the commands and teachings in the Bible express boundaries of what is righteous, just, and loving and what is not. God’s teachings define what a healthy and good person is like.
What does the Bible say about boundaries in friendships? Boundaries with brothers and sisters in Christ? Boundaries with unbelievers?
God’s Word provides some much needed wisdom on prayerfully navigating personal needs and limits in our relationships:
- Healthy relationships require honesty and speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
- As Christians, we want to shine the light of Christ to unbelievers while guarding our hearts with healthy limits (1 Corinthians 15:33).
- We’re to help others, especially brothers and sisters in Christ, with carrying heavy burdens without taking their personal responsibility (Galatians 6:2;5).
- It’s wise to take time and use prayerful discernment before you get vulnerable and trust others (John 2:24-25).
- We’re responsible for doing our part to resolve conflicts but not for how others respond to us (Romans 12:18).
Biblical boundaries don’t mean that God desires us to be rule-following robots who are rigid in our lives and relationships. Boundaries are about freedom of choice, being holy and healthy.
The best way to learn about boundaries is from the life of Jesus Christ.
Did Jesus Have Boundaries?
One of the things that helped turn me around before I totally burned out was to look prayerfully at Jesus’ rhythm of life. I studied the Gospels carefully and learned some things that surprised me because I hadn’t been taught them in church.
Jesus had far more stress, far more pressure, and far more responsibility than any of us — yet he never burned out. He models for us how to live within human limitations. He shows us how to practice God’s rhythms of grace.
I discovered that, in his humanity, Jesus accepted his limitations in a relaxed way. He was confined to a human body that needed nourishment and rest. He could only be in one place at a time. He only had 24 hours in a day and didn’t try to squeeze in 26 hours of work — like so many high-performing leaders are tempted to do.
Jesus had personal needs that he prioritized — sometimes even over the needs of others — and he did so without feeling guilty.
His personal soul care mostly involved separating himself from people to be alone with God, whom he called “Abba” or “Papa.”
The Messiah lived in a rhythm of life that not only kept him free from burnout but also led him to flourish. It kept him full of God, full of grace and truth, and therefore ready and able to be compassionate and generous in response to people, their needs, interruptions, and crisis situations.
Unlike many others who serve God, Jesus did not live defensively — overextending himself and getting more and more tired until he finally took a break. Instead, he took the initiative to deal with temptation and Satan. He proactively and consistently invested in his relationship with God.
Jesus’ boundaries gave him energy and focus and kept him safe from slipping into unhealthy behaviors and patterns.
Another observation I made about Jesus in the Gospels is that he wasn’t always “nice” to people. This really surprised me and gave me permission not to be a people-pleaser.
Often he didn’t do what people wanted him to do. There were many people he didn’t help. And whenever he did help others, he expected them to do their part. Even in his miracles, he asked people to do something — and it was usually something they felt they couldn’t do because of their condition (like standing up or walking a long distance).
Of course, the Good Shepherd is not harsh or mean. Instead he models for us how prayerful boundaries lead to a confident and peace-filled life of loving God, others, and self.
Jesus’ boundaries can help you to trust that it’s not only healthy, but also holy, to learn how to say “no” to people, speak the truth in love, and live within your personal limitations.
Modeling your life and ministry after Jesus’ boundaries will help you, along with those whom you love and serve, to become more loving and healthy like him.
Bible Study on Jesus Setting Boundaries
Let’s consider the key points of my Bible study on Jesus setting boundaries.
We cover this lesson and other related lessons on boundaries in depth at our Soul Shepherding retreats. These retreats equip pastors, missionaries, counselors, spiritual directors, and other leaders to respect their limits and serve as joyful givers.
You may want to look up some of these Scriptures below and ponder them prayerfully. Ask Jesus to teach you how he’d set healthy boundaries if he were you.
Jesus Accepts His Personal Limits (Part of His Incarnation)
- Meeting His Personal Needs. Jesus ate healthy foods, got the sleep he needed (including naps!), spent time relaxing, and did a lot of walking (Matthew 26:18, 20; Mark 1:16, 3:23, 4:38; Luke 7:36; John 10:40, 12:2).
- Receiving Support from Friends. He sought the company of friends and shared his distress with them (Matthew 26:36-38).
- Enjoying Solitude. He withdrew from the crowds to go away on retreat — alone and with friends (Mark 1:35-38; 6:31; Luke 5:16; 6:12-13)
- Enjoying the Moment (These people, this place, this time). He left one city to go to another because he couldn’t be in two places at the same time (Mark 1:38).
- Unhurried Pace of Life. He was never in a hurry, except to go to Jerusalem and embrace his cross (John 11:6; Mark 10:32).
- Abandoning Outcomes to God. Jesus was tempted to become paralyzed with fear about the cross. Satan, his demons, and many people who hated him were trying to kill him. Yet he let go of control. He chose to trust the Father’s will and abandon the outcomes of his trials and sufferings into God’s hands (Mark 14:32-42).
Jesus Says “No” to Inappropriate Behavior
- Demands. Jesus withdrew from those who came to him for teaching and healing so that he could spend one-on-one time with the Father (Luke 5:15-16).
- Abuse. He fought his way through a crowd that was trying to throw him off a cliff for claiming to be the Messiah (Luke 4:28-30).
- Entitlement. He didn’t cave to his mother and brothers when they attempted to use their relationship to pull him away from ministering to his spiritual family (Matthew 12:46-50).
- Baiting Questions. When religious leaders baited him with questions to make him look foolish, he answered with provoking questions of his own (Matthew 21:23-27, 22:15-22).
- Cynicism. He said “no” to Herod’s mocking demand to prove he was the Son of God through a miraculous sign (Luke 23:8-9).
- Manipulation. He stood firm against Peter’s misguided agenda to make him a political king or a military warrior rather than a sacrificial lamb (Matthew 16:23).
- Pride. He didn’t heal those who were too proud to trust him (Matthew 13:58).
Jesus Speaks the Truth in Love to Those Who Are Stuck or Wrong
- Exploitation. Jesus used a whip to clear out the temple of the vendors and money changers who took advantage of the poor and turned God’s house into a marketplace (Matthew 21:12-17, John 2:12-16).
- Addiction. He told the Rich Young Ruler that he couldn’t help him until he gave away the money that controlled him (Matthew 19:16-21).
- Misguided. He corrected the disciples when they prevented little children from coming to him. Instead he instructed his followers to take after the children’s simple and genuine faith (Matthew 19:13-15).
Jesus Has Expectations for People in Need
- What do you want? Two blind men called out to Jesus for help on the road. He responded, “What do you want me to do for you?” It was important that they acknowledged their needs and trusted in Jesus (Matthew 20:29-34).
- Do you want to get well? A man who had been incapable of walking for 38 years was unable to get into the miracle waters at the Sheep Gate pool to be healed. He felt helpless and hoped someone else would fix his problem. Jesus challenged him, “Do you want to get well?… Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” He helped the man develop healthy motivation and take responsibility for himself (John 5:1-14).
- Do you believe? A father sought deliverance for his son, who had seizures and couldn’t speak, when he approached Jesus and said, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” Yet Jesus put the focus back on the father: “‘If you can’? Everything is possible for him who believes.” The father was honest about his unbelief, asked for Jesus’ help, and his son was restored (Mark 9:17-27).
Jesus Offers Grace and Truth According to the Need
- The humble and broken. Jesus offered grace and truth to the woman caught in the act of adultery by saying, “Neither do I condemn you,” and, “Go and sin no more” (John 8:1-11).
- The proud and self-righteous. Jesus listened to the Pharisees who tried to condemn her with grace, then confronted their pride with truth, saying, “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone” (John 8:1-11).
Jesus Shows Us How to Set Boundaries
- Personal Prayer Time: “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen” (Matthew 6:6).
- Be Honest and Direct (Don’t Pressure People or Try to Get Them to Do Things): “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37).
- Set Priorities: “No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other” (Luke 16:13).
- Please God, Not People: “How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?” (John 5:44).
- Obey God: “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted? ‘The first,’ they answered” (Matthew 21:28-31).
Learn More From How Jesus Set Boundaries
Friend, as you can see, serving God alongside Jesus is more than being stressed out and burned out.
You can prioritize your own needs and soul care.
You can grow in the confidence of who God’s called you to be.
You can give from the overflow of God’s grace instead of running on empty.
Are you ready to become more like Jesus and grow in loving and healthy boundaries? Here are some next steps you can take:
#1 Get a copy of Your Best Life in Jesus’ Easy Yoke: Rhythms of Grace to De-Stress and Live Empowered.
This book will help you learn more about how to develop healthy boundaries for your soul care and relationships with others. You’ll be encouraged by my story of recovery from burnout, many teachings from the Bible and psychology, and examples of people I have helped in therapy.
#2 Come on Retreat with Soul Shepherding.
My wife Kristi (also a therapist and spiritual director) and I invite you to join us on a life-changing experience. Our immersive retreats integrate Jesus-centered psychology with spiritual formation to help you go deeper with Jesus in emotional health and loving relationships. There’s training on establishing healthy boundaries, plus much more, including:
- Living and leading from intimacy with God
- Navigating spiritual dryness and other faith struggles
- Repairing family of formation wounds and damaged emotions through healing prayer
- Listening for God’s voice in leadership
- Improving your EQ and offering empathy
You’d be encouraged to join us and an authentic community of about 40 to 60 Jesus-followers like you on a retreat.
