Becoming “I”

By Bill Gaultiere © 1992

As a young man and a new psychologist I spent years in my own psychotherapy, getting help with anxiety and depression.

Being in therapy was the best training I could’ve received to be a therapist for others — but that’s not why I did it.

I went in therapy because I was overwhelmed with pressures to achieve, be ideal, and make other people happy. I was afraid of failure because my self-esteem was always on the line. I felt guilty if I said no to people and opportunities so I kept trying to do more and more.

I Needed a Christ’s Ambassador

Through my Christian therapist God provided me the soul care that I needed. I learned how to express my feelings and work through conflicts, attach more deeply in relationships, and set boundaries.

Through the therapy process over time I got free of my false self and came alive as my true self — my God created and Christ-redeemed self — and in the process I discovered the joy of helping others not by trying hard, but “out of the overflow.”

My therapist was “Christ’s Ambassador” to me (2 Corinthians 5:20).

I was at the Bottom of an Old Well

What’s it like for me to be in psychotherapy?

In 1992 I wrote about my personal struggle of going through therapy in my prayer poem: “Becoming ‘I’.” It tells the story of how through my relationship with my therapist God found me at the bottom of an old well and set me free to be me!

My experience in therapy was very much like David’s in Psalm 40:1-5:

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the [person] who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.

Becoming “I”

I looked up and into the whites of your eyes

And I saw myself deep inside the bottom of an old well –

Dark

Damp

Dreary

Dirty -

All alone except for your eyes peering from the skies;

Lost until now but still trapped in this living hell.

~

I didn’t even know I was down inside there;

I thought it was me who was up on the ground outside -

Successful

Supportive

Spirited

Spotless -

But it couldn’t be me who has looked so good everywhere;

It must be the roles I played so my pain I could hide.

~

This is the real me who is down this old well then.

Those who’ve walked by me just didn’t see or hear -

Tears

Tenderness

Trembling

Turmoil -

I reached out to them until I couldn’t reach out again;

I remained alone and unknown until you came and waited near.

~

Now your hand reaches way down and I want to reach way high;

I’m trying to trust again because I need what you offer -

Light

Love

Life

Laughter -

Please keep looking and waiting and reaching for my reply;

Our hands – are just – about – to come – to – ge – ther.

More Soul Shepherding

For more help with your self-esteem read my article, “A New Name from God will Free you of Shame.”

Kristi and I offer psychotherapy in our office in Irvine, CA. We also offer soul care and spiritual mentoring by phone or e-mail. We help pastors, pastor’s wives, and missionaries for whatever they can afford to pay.

Bill Gaultiere, Ph.D. & Kristi Gaultiere, Psy.D. ~ http://www.soulshepherding.org